As any good Washingtonian knows, the District is a giant potential terrorist target, and we all need to be vigilant for anything anywhere at anytime.
No pressure or anything.
So, I have developed a quick list of how to make my new town a little bit safer.
1) Move the Pentagon to Nebraska. Use current building for some freakin' SWEET condos.
2) US Capitol Dome armed with that big laser thingie the Rebellion used on Hoth in "The Empire Strikes Back"
3) Replace Washington Monument with Minuteman missle. See if anybody notices.
4) Blame Canada, and let Ottawa deal with this crap.
5) Beatdown these pseudo-street kids who skateboard all throughout Northwest DC and then get pissed at random pedestrians because they can't do a front-side fakey Ollie off a staircase. Maybe if you wore form-fitting jeans you wouldn't fall on your ass, dumb brat.
6) Hire big homeless dudes to run up and yell at suburban drivers who get stuck on Connecticut Avenue around DuPont Circle because "they don't have circles like this in Reston."
7) Tell the local TV news operations to STOP FREAKIN' PANICKING BECAUSE IT MIGHT SNOW 200 FRICKIN' MILES FROM HERE!!!! We don't need Live Team Eyewitness News crews in every part of town because little Madison and Hunter got flurried on while riding in the back of mom's Suburban heading to school. Any station that violates this rule immediately gets transferred to their affiliate in Buffalo in December.
8) Send all Metrobus, taxi, tourbus and delivery truck drivers to the Midwest and teach them some damned manners.
9) Turn the Beltway into a moat. Place dragons in moat. Anybody wishing to enter the region has to go through Squire training and earn their Knighthood by completing a quest.
10) You know how people who commute on the Metro everyday have begun using carry-on luggage to tote around their laptops and stuff? Ban that. Those goddamned suitcases on wheels have tripped more people, and bruised more unsuspecting ankles than what is allowed by law. Gee, sorry you're 80 pounds overweight and you've got a slipped disk, Ms. Getting Off the Metro in Rosslyn, but stop swinging your baggage around behind you like you're 5 years old and that's your little red wagon. Are you going to the airport for travel? No? Then don't bring luggage, ass! The damned trains are crowded enough - the last thing we need is you swishing around your American Tourister. I swear, the next time I get hit with one of those because you're bad at spacial relations, I will beat that bag down like I'm LAPD on a black dude at a traffic stop. Let's see how well your laptop fares when I practice my Jackie Chan on it. Use a backpack or shoulder bag like everybody else - or, here's a concept - get a smaller, lighter one! What the hell are you people packing in those damned things? A frickin' IBM server and UPS system? It's a bloody laptop, not an HDTV. And, to top it off - you're an analyst, not a Senator. You're not that damned important to carry the latest in computing technology with you 24/7. The only reason I keep my mp3 player on John Mayer tunes is so the acoustic stylings of "Why, Georgia" will hopefully mellow me out so that I'll forget the throbbing in my shin as you've clipped me with your Samsonite yet again. I feel like Nancy Kerrigan after meeting Jeff Gillooly just stepping on the Blue Line anymore.
I swear, I'll become friends with Freddy Adu, and we'll kick the shit out of any tow-along that comes near me.
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