Thursday, September 30, 2004

Post Carnage Report

In thrilling BSSC action, the Rhymes with Orange got obliterated by a team wearing black t-shirts and hatred in their eyes, 22 - 0. The Oranges put on a valiant effort, with a gutsy performance by Sauce, with a couple of fantastic catches and a touchdown-saving interception near the end zone. However, thanks to tough plays by The Guy in the Khaki Shorts, The Kinda Pudgy Guy, and their all-star performer, That Really Good Girl We Can't Cover, the team in black shirts were no trouble for the Oranges.

Informal team awards:
1) The "I Am Not Hungover; I'm Still Drunk From The Night Before" award goes to Christy. That girl wasbuttered.

2) The "I'm Just Here for the Apres-Game Pain Killers" goes to Dave, who valiantly QB'd despite a bad wing.

3) "The Weekly Enforcer" award goes to Lexi, for damned near knocking my ass out with a well-placed headbutt. For the record - no more crossing patterns for me. Only the out and posts, babe. Maybe a slant ifI'm feeling frisky. But I need to make it through this life with my full, pouty lips in one piece. Side note - good thing I'm not a deejay right now. My lip swelled so large Saturday night, I'd have done a whole show doing a Mushmouth impersonation from Fat Albert and Cosby Kids.

4) The "Psuedophederin" award goes to Shannon, for playing despite a nasty sinus infection.

5) The "Most Confusing Shout-Out" goes to Laura and Lauren, because I had a busticated lip, and I couldn't enuciate in my normal, clear, broadcast-quality voice. So, sorry if I couldn't say your names clearly enough.

Special appropos to the team who played before us with that Bernese Mountain Dog puppy, who may very well bethe cutest dog I've ever seen. Sorry, Kramer - you're a sweet dog and all, but damn that dog was cool.

Next week signals the return of the Chosen people, notto mention those lushes in Vega$$$. - me

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

goodnight sweetheart

JoAnn, long time friend of the family, and employee of the grocery store, died today at 11:45am. She will be missed.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Oops I'm Married Again

So, ole' Britney's done got herself all hitched up again. `Bout damned time that no good Yankee put a ring on her fingee and made an `onest woman out of her.

Top four things most likely to be heard on the Spears-Federline honeymoon...

1) I thought we wanted a small wedding. Did you have to invite your mom?
2) Kevin, can you take that damned hat off at least ONCE?
3) I'm the king of the world!
4) I used to watch Justin dance, and I looked at the fuzzy guy in the back with bad teeth, and thought "Hottie!"

Top seven things most likely to be heard at the Spears-Federline residence...

1) Oh, the guest wing is already full of Kev's children from previous drunken hook-ups.
2) I'm not gaining weight. These are happy pounds.
3) If I get one more piece of mail addressed to "Mr. Britney Spears."
4) Hey, yo, dawg, how you spell "prenuptual?"
5) Brit, can I borrow some money?
6) Yeah, baby, this is the room where I tap Britney like a keg.
7) This letter addressed to Jason Alexander better be to that bald bastard on Seinfeld!

Three things that will never be heard at Chez Spears-Federline...

1) Put away your checkbook, Brit, I already paid the bills this month. All by myself.
2) Dear, did I put my copy of the New York Times Literary Review next to your collection of rare African-American ritualist artifacts or my crib notes on Stephen hawking's black hole theory?
3) Wow, you are SO talented.

So many people have taken cheap shots at the whole Brit/Freeloader...Federline, excuse me...relationship, and I refuse to be part of that from this point on. They are a married couple, for better or for a hell of a lot worse, and that's that. Kevin's a lucky guy - married a hot young singer with a lot of money, charisma and marketing savvy. Every man in the world wants to nail her like Bob Villa, including Carson Kressler. He may be gay, but he ain't dumb.

Can you imagine being married to one of the top eligible people in the world - not just your high school, or hometown, but the entire bloody world?!? How could you not get a big ego from that? Imagine how many broads you could seduce!

But, advice from me to you, Kev-o. You'd better keep doing those sit-ups, bud. Because all you've got going for you is your abs and the ability to wear a wife-beater, Yankee hat askew and baggy jeans almost exactly like every kid who works at a Foot Locker. You start letting yourself go, and Brit will all over Ben Affleck like a bad habit.

Kevin Federline, thy name is Cris Judd. Consider yourself warned.

I will say this to all the men - the haters - who thought they'd be a better catch for Britney than Kevin Federline...

You're probably right. But wouldn't you all rather tag-and-release Jessica Simpson now instead?

- me

Friday, September 17, 2004

Your hardship's only one of our fleet.

Finally saw the Trashcan Sinatras in concert last night. About damned time.

They were, in all aspects, absolutely amazing.

Words haven't come to me yet, but...they will.

- me

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

getting the (broad) band back together

First, I join New DayJob, Inc. Then, David from former DayJob, Inc., starts working here last week. Now, John from former DayJob, Inc., is in for an interview. Could Broadstreet be reshaping under the guise of the New DayJob, Inc.?

Just got back from a roadtrip out to Minnesota for Brett and Jenny's wedding. Lovely little service, held at a park in Plymouth, MN. Guess what - the park has a lake. In Minnesota! What are the odds? I can see why Marnie wanted me to come out there - couple central! Even though most of us were between the ages of 28 and 34, it seemed like 95% of the other folks were married, married with kids, or about to be married with kids. Marn needed somebody bitter and single to talk to.

Noticed something - not a whole lot of divorced folks there. Hard to get a group of 200+ folks around and not run into at least a couple of divorced people. No divorces = not a lot of bitterness.

Sights, with grades, seen on this latest roadtrip - Cedar Point Amusement Park in Ohio (A+), Madison, WI (A), Wisconsin Dells (B+), Rochester, MN (C+), Mississippi River Valley near LaCrosse, WI (A), Taliesin (A), Oak Park, IL (A), Chicago motorcycle gangs (F-), Kentuck Knob (incomplete..again.)

Kentuck Knob - one day I'll see that damned house. Supposed to be better than Fallingwater. Been to see it three times, and each time, it's closed tighter than a conservative Republican's mind.

Chicago motorcycle gangs - I am so not a big fan of guys whizzing by me in little rice burners at mach speed on I-94, weaving in, out and through traffic. I damned near clipped a couple of them, and only one would have been on purpose.

- me