Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Game Recap - 10-23 - 2004

CANTON - (UPI) - In thrilling Baltimore Sports and Social Club action this weekend, the Rhymes with Orange beat the Team Forfeits 1-0.

"It was a hard-fought victory," exclaimed Orangequarterback Chris LaTesta. "We were lucky to escape with a win." The Team Forfeits tried to confuse LaTesta with 5, 6 and 7 person coverage packages - even a zero person package - but LaTesta was able to shred them for zero yards passing on zero completions over zero interceptions.

"I was impressed by how huge our receivers were today. They caught everything I threw at them" said a confident LaTesta. "Especially Laura Luca. That girl can catch anything." Luca led all Orange receivers with zero yards on zero receptions.

"I felt good today" said Luca. "The meal I had the night before at The Still in Timonium really fueled my performance."

Orange coach Scott Kreitzer sternly corrected Luca."The Still is located in Cockeysville. Get it right!"

"Does it matter, you drunk?" retorted Luca.

Kreiter yelled "Shut up!"

Scott's little brother, the rapidly-aging former superstar Evan Kreitzer, now reduced to desperate hanger-on, replied "You dumbasses, that's Lutherville."

"Jesus, Evan!" yelled Scott, which is ironic that he would invoke the Christian Saviour's name considering they're both Jewish, "Lutherville's by the Beltway!"

Luca's friend Shannon Gallivan, who's new nickname of"Rhyme Time" was earned through her zero interception, zero tackle performance Saturday, said "I think they consider that section of York Road Hunt Valley."

Keith Attman, who co-led the team with zero sacks, chimed in with "Is that part 'Texas,' because I've always wanted to date a Texas beauty queen, and that might be a place to look." His brother Andy, the co-leader in sacks, smacked him in the head. "The only thing in Texas is a Sam's Club. And a gravel pit. Get a clue. What woman would come from there worthy of you, and therefore, by extension,worthy of me?"

Christy Manar looked at Keith and said "I'm not fromTexas, but I'm a beauty queen. Does that count?" Chris Tully quickly mentioned that, given enough alcohol, he is a much bigger queen than Christy.

"At least, my bulge is bigger" exclaimed Tully 30 minutes later, happy he had come up with 2 witty remarks within 24 hours.

His spleen then abruptly left the press conference and attended a game of flip cup with Bloomie at The Gin Mill.

Oranges Lexi, Ken and Lauren could not be reached for comment, as they were all camping out in front of the Reisterstown Target, waiting to be the first on the team to get the new Shrek 2 DVD.

BSSC referee and friend of the team Damon, the big black guy with the LaVar Arrington dreadlocks, when asked for comment, said "I don't know. All those white towns look the same to me."

Team Genius, Lockdown Cornerback Beta and Expert onAll Things in the Universe (except in finding a decent, mind-occupying job, it would appear) Ray Bradley jumped in to simmer the boiling feud. "There are no incorporated towns in Baltimore County. Therefore, much like the ancient symbol of Zen, you are all right."

Sauce nodded in knowing approval, and then apologized for being so controversial with his wisdom.

Bradley also led the team with 4 girls' tackled. Considering he had zero tackles in the game, you can imagine the surprise of the girls he tackled in the streets of Annapolis.

As of press time, only one tackled girl has pressed charges, and two others have offered him margaritas. The 4th victim speaks no English and smelled of huumus, and could not be reached for comment.


Monday, October 18, 2004

Post Game Wrap Up 10-18-2004

BALTIMORE - (AP) - Posted at 10: AM EST
It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

The highly-anticipated return of Evan "The Franchise"Kreitzer was supposed to fuel the already high-poweredRhymes With Orange aerial assault. Instead, theOranges got juiced, and finger-pointing was the nameof the post-game.

The younger Kreitzer brother, once known for his gamebreaking speed and incredible hands, was barely abovemediocre today, registering only one touchdown catchand showing more tobacco-stained teeth than theathletic prowress fans have come to expect. He blamed the quaterback, Chris La Testa."Chris has got to learn to throw the ball to me more,"said Evan over after-game beverages at MaGerk's inFederal Hill. Even when I'm triple-teamed and lightinga Marlboro, I'm still open."

La Testa, usually a strong-armed, mobile quarterback,had a rather poor game by his lofty standards. He wasslow getting rid of the ball, was slow with his reads,and his throws were severely affected by the wind. The low point had to be when he was sacked by a girl.

"Hahahahahahah," exclaimed Keith Attman, aconspicously-absent member of the Orange team thisweek. "Chris got sacked by a girl!"

Indeed, neither or the Attman twins, with their confusing, nearly-identical appearances, were present for Sunday's loss, fueling speculation that the Oranges can only operate well when they are able to spread confusion.

For his part, La Testa refused to point fingers after the game. "As leader of the team, it was obvious where our playing style comes from, and God do I hate Ken. It's all his fault."

"There. I said it. I feel better" said La Testa, before reminding himself that he is now a high-powered lawyer and will sue any fake journalist who would dare slander his good name.

(This fake journalist refuses to comment, and will not be intimidated by anyone. Including the nicest,smartest, friendliest guy I know, Chris La Testa.)

Player/Coach Scott Kreitzer was certainly feeling the heat Sunday. "We will fight them in our skies. We will fight them on our shores. We will never surrender.This will be...our finest hour!" he exclaimed.

In a surprise personnel move, 5 female Oranges showed up for the game, and none of them were named "Attman."Lexi, Laura, Lauren, Shannon and Christy were all present, and were all complaining about the youth, vitality and rather supple abdominal muscles of the other team's girls. Lexi in particular vowed revenge,promising to "buy me the hell out some receiver gloves, bitches."

Coach Kreitzer spewed vitrol at the other team's girls, too. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" he shouted while waving a Sandinista battleflag.

Even the normally-mellow Sauce got in on the angeract. "Wow. We played bad" he said at Looney's Pub. When asked to explain further, Sauce wiped his glasses and apologized for being so apopolectic.

The game also marked the first appearance of the season of Christopher Tully. Tully, a former lacrosse star still hanging dimly to the idea that his best years are still to come, arrived to the game natilly-attired but still somewhat buttered from the night (and morning) before the game. Tully was rushed to the hospital last night after the game, as his swollen liver was mistaken for the game ball, and was punted by Evan Kreitzer.

The other team's return man called for a fair catch ofthe rapidly-plummeting Tully liver.

Coach Kreitzer was outraged over his team's poor play. "I coulda been somebody, Charlie. I coulda been a contenda. Instead of a bum, Charlie, which is what I am. A bum." He vowed a more complete effort next week in which the Oranges play their archrivals, the We'reHere For the Gang Bangs.

"We'll smoke them out. We'll hunt them, find them andwe'll kill them' said Kreitzer, stillclearly-delusional from the iodine-laced breakfast sandwhich he ordered from Pepe's.


This Week's Silly Awards:

The John Kruk Memorial Award for the UnhealthiestBallplayer goes to Evan Kreitzer, for smoking duringthe game.

The Billy Martin/Earl Weaver Memorial Award for BestArgumentative Coach goes to Scott Kreitzer for yelling at the ref.

The Ray Charles Memorial Award goes to the ref, because he did miss some stuff. He also gets theWrinkle in Time award, since that's amazing how 8minutes left in a game becomes 3 minutes left in agame 2 minutes later. Space-time continuum thing, Iguess. Blame it on the worm hole.

The Stevie Wonder Driving School Award goes to the line judge, who can apparently is either blind, or so gay that he can't even see straight.

The I-95 96 Car Pile-Up Award goes to the other team,for running so many crossing patterns that collisions were unavoidable.

The Gender Non-Specific Award goes to Bloomie for forgetting he's theoretically got boy bits.

The Baltimore School of Massage Gift Certificate is awarded to me, for my stunning one-armed tackle of that hot girl on their team. Not only did I get ahandful of supple abdominals with my right hand, as I tried to keep her from falling too hard, I think I gota left hand full of supple rump after a brushing, gentle touch of the lower back. About the only thing I didn't get on that play was her phone number.

The Dean Martin Memorial Award goes to Tully, looking sharp from the night before, still drunk, and for getting his liver punted.

The Garo Yepremian Award for Quarterbacking Excellence goes to Chris La Testa for getting sacked by a girl. Twice, I think.

Don't worry kids, we'll have more fun next week.- RB

Thursday, October 14, 2004

My Own Private MapQuest

--- Evan Kreitzer wrote:
> don't know if he'll be there, he has a lot going on
> at work this week. I'll try and get him out there,
> having beer there may help to draw my meathead
> friend out of the faraway land we call Columbia.

Here's how to get out of Columbia, Tully:

Just turn left at the cul-de-sac, right at the planned
community, go straight at the intersection of Kind Bud
Path and Dismissed Soccer Mom Parkway, by that road
that curves by that gas station you don't see until
you've passed it, hang a baby-u-ee on Whispering
Deerprint Babbling Brook Stone House Lane, go
catty-corner by Flatuence Meadows Village and when you
see the Best Buy, bang a right. Up ahead there will be
a sign that says "US 29 - 3 miles." Should only take
about 2 hours at that point. Tully, you'll circle
around Broken Hip Parkway, and you'll see Vague
Concept Road. Don't do anything there. When the light
changes, you'll pass by Holden Caulfield Boulevard,
but, it's a phony sign and you won't care. You'll see
the Best Buy again, but this time a little retarded
kid from New Hampshire will tell you "Blug." But,
he'll also be gesturing to a sign that says "US 29 - 9
Miles." So, you're getting close.

By this time, you'll be thirsty, so choose which
Starbucks to go to - there are only three at that
intersection, so for God's sakes man, don't go towards
the corner sans Starbucks - and get a half-caf,
half-decaf macchiato from that pierced, ironic guy
"Bryce" - don't worry, he works at all three. He'll
give you extra foam for free, if you know what I mean.
You'll cross over Pointing Asian Way and Alarmed Dog
Run, make a right on that curvy road, and then watch
out for Bitter Divorce Lake - it sneaks up on ya and
will take your car if you fall into it. If you get
past that, though, you'll see the ramp for 29, which
leads to 40, which leads you to the Beltway, and then
you're clear.

If you see the school for gimp kids, you've gone too

Hope this helps.

- me

Monday, October 11, 2004

Another post game report

Since LaTesta wants funny awards, I'll give you some funny awards.

1) The "Resting on His Laurels" award goes to Ken,who, after a MONSTER game 10 days ago, in which he was a star on both sides of the ball. This past week...I don't know. Yeah, he scored, but he also handed the ball to the other team in the end zone for a gift TD. I guess motivation was the issue, since he didn't have his Chowderhead rooting section in town. I'm sorry you only get up for the big games, Ken. You're worse than Leon from the Budweiser commercials.

2) The "Method Man and Redman" award goes to the blond guy on the other team who I covered a bit. When the ball was thrown behind him, and he twisted and dove backwards to get it, the ball grazed off his arm and into his grill, laces first. I thought he might have hurt himself, but he got up with a nice "Wilson" markon his forehead. His mug was redder than John Goodman running a wind sprint.

3) The "Dave Wannstedt Award" for Quarterback Stability goes to the other team. What did they use, 4 different QBs?

4) The "Get That Schizznit Out My Face" award goes to Lauren, for the smackdown she gave that pass towards the end of the game.

5) The "See, Catching's Easy" award goes to Scott, for finally using his hands to catch a football instead of his imagination when he's wide open.

6) The Spiccoli Award goes to the Kevin Federline lookalike on their team who looked at the Attman boys and said "whoa, twins."

7) The Lockdown Cornerback Award from me is now given to Bloomie, with three monster picks. I would like to say I've had one key pass defense this year, and my alarming lack of interceptions stems more from the oppositions' reluctance to throw towards me more thanthan anything else. I'm guessing the Bloom looked like an easier target. Can't say I blame them. I do look like a beast out there, what with my cute widdle Under Armour receiver gloves, knee brace, swim trunks, orange shirt and prescription sunglasses. I look like a reject off the old Tampa Bay Bucs practice squads when they wore the god-awful orange jerseys. Note to fashion police - I don't wanna sound too Carson Kressler on ya, but I ain't doin' orange again. I'm so not a summer. Washes out my complexion.

8) The "My Dog's Louder Than Your Dog" award goes to Shannon and her pooch Quigley. That dog sure does love you, Shannon. My Kramer barks maybe once a week. So, your dog is louder than my dog. Hence, the award for you and yer pooch.


9) The "OK, It's Now Getting Ridic-frickin'-lous"Award goes to the women, again, for playing Iron Woman football. 3 girls, every play. I'm so tempted to bring like, 8 bucks to the next game, hire some Patterson Park crack whores, and give them an orange shirt. Trust me - we don't want the shirts back, but at least it would give the gals a chance to catch their breath. I can see it now "Hi, I'm Scott, the coach. Ray, Mark,Andy, this is DeeDee. DeeDee, this is Ray, Mark and Andy. Also, I want you to meet my brother-in-law Chris. Not only is he our quarterback, but he'll also be your pro-bono legal representation."

Don't laugh - I've lived next to Patterson Park. Those chicks can flat-out fly, especially when BaltimoreCity PD break out that helicopter. They make mores that OJ Simpson running through an airport terminal in a Hertz commercial would be proud of. I guess lack of body fat and anything resembling solid food in their gullet makes ya fast. I seed it, man. Seed it wit my own eye.

Seacrest, out.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Get Freddy Adu out of here!

Ok, ok, so we won this weekend. We had a great time.Friendships were made. The Chowderhead rooting sectionbusted on Ken like he was He Who Must Not Be Named forletting Pedro pitch the 8th inning. Nevermind that Kenhad a career day in touchdowns, interceptions, and gotto see Christy take off her pants at point-blankrange.Great game awards to Christy and thestill-mobile-at-32 Chris LaTesta. The Goes Both Ways award goes to Ken for making aninterception, running a TD, catching a TD and seeingChristy take off her pants at point-blank range.The "I'm Not Wearing Underpants" award goes to Jeff,Lexi and Laura through no fault of their own. Thatgirl was GOOD. She'd have juked a lot of people out oftheir underpants. The "Best Impersonation of a 2003 Ravens' WideReceiver" award goes to Scott, who made us allremember the artistic quality of a Frank Sanders'dropped ball.(oh, that's right - got to touch the ball in order todrop it...)No, the big news is from our trusty major stateuniversity and it's daily newspaper. Of course I meanthe U of MD and the Diamondback.http://www.inform.umd.edu/News/Diamondback/archives/2004/09/21/news2.htmlBasically 15-year old (allegedly) Freddy Adu has been(allegedly) going to parties in College Park, hittingon college women. This party in question gets bustedby campus buzz, and a kid utters a classic quote:"The cops came and we were like, 'Get Freddy Adu outof here,' and we hopped the fence with him," he said."I think we have an early front-runner on next year'steam name.- Ray "Got Freddy Adu out of Here" Bradley