CANTON - (UPI) - In thrilling Baltimore Sports and Social Club action this weekend, the Rhymes with Orange beat the Team Forfeits 1-0.
"It was a hard-fought victory," exclaimed Orangequarterback Chris LaTesta. "We were lucky to escape with a win." The Team Forfeits tried to confuse LaTesta with 5, 6 and 7 person coverage packages - even a zero person package - but LaTesta was able to shred them for zero yards passing on zero completions over zero interceptions.
"I was impressed by how huge our receivers were today. They caught everything I threw at them" said a confident LaTesta. "Especially Laura Luca. That girl can catch anything." Luca led all Orange receivers with zero yards on zero receptions.
"I felt good today" said Luca. "The meal I had the night before at The Still in Timonium really fueled my performance."
Orange coach Scott Kreitzer sternly corrected Luca."The Still is located in Cockeysville. Get it right!"
"Does it matter, you drunk?" retorted Luca.
Kreiter yelled "Shut up!"
Scott's little brother, the rapidly-aging former superstar Evan Kreitzer, now reduced to desperate hanger-on, replied "You dumbasses, that's Lutherville."
"Jesus, Evan!" yelled Scott, which is ironic that he would invoke the Christian Saviour's name considering they're both Jewish, "Lutherville's by the Beltway!"
Luca's friend Shannon Gallivan, who's new nickname of"Rhyme Time" was earned through her zero interception, zero tackle performance Saturday, said "I think they consider that section of York Road Hunt Valley."
Keith Attman, who co-led the team with zero sacks, chimed in with "Is that part 'Texas,' because I've always wanted to date a Texas beauty queen, and that might be a place to look." His brother Andy, the co-leader in sacks, smacked him in the head. "The only thing in Texas is a Sam's Club. And a gravel pit. Get a clue. What woman would come from there worthy of you, and therefore, by extension,worthy of me?"
Christy Manar looked at Keith and said "I'm not fromTexas, but I'm a beauty queen. Does that count?" Chris Tully quickly mentioned that, given enough alcohol, he is a much bigger queen than Christy.
"At least, my bulge is bigger" exclaimed Tully 30 minutes later, happy he had come up with 2 witty remarks within 24 hours.
His spleen then abruptly left the press conference and attended a game of flip cup with Bloomie at The Gin Mill.
Oranges Lexi, Ken and Lauren could not be reached for comment, as they were all camping out in front of the Reisterstown Target, waiting to be the first on the team to get the new Shrek 2 DVD.
BSSC referee and friend of the team Damon, the big black guy with the LaVar Arrington dreadlocks, when asked for comment, said "I don't know. All those white towns look the same to me."
Team Genius, Lockdown Cornerback Beta and Expert onAll Things in the Universe (except in finding a decent, mind-occupying job, it would appear) Ray Bradley jumped in to simmer the boiling feud. "There are no incorporated towns in Baltimore County. Therefore, much like the ancient symbol of Zen, you are all right."
Sauce nodded in knowing approval, and then apologized for being so controversial with his wisdom.
Bradley also led the team with 4 girls' tackled. Considering he had zero tackles in the game, you can imagine the surprise of the girls he tackled in the streets of Annapolis.
As of press time, only one tackled girl has pressed charges, and two others have offered him margaritas. The 4th victim speaks no English and smelled of huumus, and could not be reached for comment.