BALTIMORE - (AP) - Posted at 10: AM EST
It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
The highly-anticipated return of Evan "The Franchise"Kreitzer was supposed to fuel the already high-poweredRhymes With Orange aerial assault. Instead, theOranges got juiced, and finger-pointing was the nameof the post-game.
The younger Kreitzer brother, once known for his gamebreaking speed and incredible hands, was barely abovemediocre today, registering only one touchdown catchand showing more tobacco-stained teeth than theathletic prowress fans have come to expect. He blamed the quaterback, Chris La Testa."Chris has got to learn to throw the ball to me more,"said Evan over after-game beverages at MaGerk's inFederal Hill. Even when I'm triple-teamed and lightinga Marlboro, I'm still open."
La Testa, usually a strong-armed, mobile quarterback,had a rather poor game by his lofty standards. He wasslow getting rid of the ball, was slow with his reads,and his throws were severely affected by the wind. The low point had to be when he was sacked by a girl.
"Hahahahahahah," exclaimed Keith Attman, aconspicously-absent member of the Orange team thisweek. "Chris got sacked by a girl!"
Indeed, neither or the Attman twins, with their confusing, nearly-identical appearances, were present for Sunday's loss, fueling speculation that the Oranges can only operate well when they are able to spread confusion.
For his part, La Testa refused to point fingers after the game. "As leader of the team, it was obvious where our playing style comes from, and God do I hate Ken. It's all his fault."
"There. I said it. I feel better" said La Testa, before reminding himself that he is now a high-powered lawyer and will sue any fake journalist who would dare slander his good name.
(This fake journalist refuses to comment, and will not be intimidated by anyone. Including the nicest,smartest, friendliest guy I know, Chris La Testa.)
Player/Coach Scott Kreitzer was certainly feeling the heat Sunday. "We will fight them in our skies. We will fight them on our shores. We will never surrender.This will be...our finest hour!" he exclaimed.
In a surprise personnel move, 5 female Oranges showed up for the game, and none of them were named "Attman."Lexi, Laura, Lauren, Shannon and Christy were all present, and were all complaining about the youth, vitality and rather supple abdominal muscles of the other team's girls. Lexi in particular vowed revenge,promising to "buy me the hell out some receiver gloves, bitches."
Coach Kreitzer spewed vitrol at the other team's girls, too. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" he shouted while waving a Sandinista battleflag.
Even the normally-mellow Sauce got in on the angeract. "Wow. We played bad" he said at Looney's Pub. When asked to explain further, Sauce wiped his glasses and apologized for being so apopolectic.
The game also marked the first appearance of the season of Christopher Tully. Tully, a former lacrosse star still hanging dimly to the idea that his best years are still to come, arrived to the game natilly-attired but still somewhat buttered from the night (and morning) before the game. Tully was rushed to the hospital last night after the game, as his swollen liver was mistaken for the game ball, and was punted by Evan Kreitzer.
The other team's return man called for a fair catch ofthe rapidly-plummeting Tully liver.
Coach Kreitzer was outraged over his team's poor play. "I coulda been somebody, Charlie. I coulda been a contenda. Instead of a bum, Charlie, which is what I am. A bum." He vowed a more complete effort next week in which the Oranges play their archrivals, the We'reHere For the Gang Bangs.
"We'll smoke them out. We'll hunt them, find them andwe'll kill them' said Kreitzer, stillclearly-delusional from the iodine-laced breakfast sandwhich he ordered from Pepe's.
This Week's Silly Awards:
The John Kruk Memorial Award for the UnhealthiestBallplayer goes to Evan Kreitzer, for smoking duringthe game.
The Billy Martin/Earl Weaver Memorial Award for BestArgumentative Coach goes to Scott Kreitzer for yelling at the ref.
The Ray Charles Memorial Award goes to the ref, because he did miss some stuff. He also gets theWrinkle in Time award, since that's amazing how 8minutes left in a game becomes 3 minutes left in agame 2 minutes later. Space-time continuum thing, Iguess. Blame it on the worm hole.
The Stevie Wonder Driving School Award goes to the line judge, who can apparently is either blind, or so gay that he can't even see straight.
The I-95 96 Car Pile-Up Award goes to the other team,for running so many crossing patterns that collisions were unavoidable.
The Gender Non-Specific Award goes to Bloomie for forgetting he's theoretically got boy bits.
The Baltimore School of Massage Gift Certificate is awarded to me, for my stunning one-armed tackle of that hot girl on their team. Not only did I get ahandful of supple abdominals with my right hand, as I tried to keep her from falling too hard, I think I gota left hand full of supple rump after a brushing, gentle touch of the lower back. About the only thing I didn't get on that play was her phone number.
The Dean Martin Memorial Award goes to Tully, looking sharp from the night before, still drunk, and for getting his liver punted.
The Garo Yepremian Award for Quarterbacking Excellence goes to Chris La Testa for getting sacked by a girl. Twice, I think.
Don't worry kids, we'll have more fun next week.- RB