Monday, September 20, 2004

Oops I'm Married Again

So, ole' Britney's done got herself all hitched up again. `Bout damned time that no good Yankee put a ring on her fingee and made an `onest woman out of her.

Top four things most likely to be heard on the Spears-Federline honeymoon...

1) I thought we wanted a small wedding. Did you have to invite your mom?
2) Kevin, can you take that damned hat off at least ONCE?
3) I'm the king of the world!
4) I used to watch Justin dance, and I looked at the fuzzy guy in the back with bad teeth, and thought "Hottie!"

Top seven things most likely to be heard at the Spears-Federline residence...

1) Oh, the guest wing is already full of Kev's children from previous drunken hook-ups.
2) I'm not gaining weight. These are happy pounds.
3) If I get one more piece of mail addressed to "Mr. Britney Spears."
4) Hey, yo, dawg, how you spell "prenuptual?"
5) Brit, can I borrow some money?
6) Yeah, baby, this is the room where I tap Britney like a keg.
7) This letter addressed to Jason Alexander better be to that bald bastard on Seinfeld!

Three things that will never be heard at Chez Spears-Federline...

1) Put away your checkbook, Brit, I already paid the bills this month. All by myself.
2) Dear, did I put my copy of the New York Times Literary Review next to your collection of rare African-American ritualist artifacts or my crib notes on Stephen hawking's black hole theory?
3) Wow, you are SO talented.

So many people have taken cheap shots at the whole Brit/Freeloader...Federline, excuse me...relationship, and I refuse to be part of that from this point on. They are a married couple, for better or for a hell of a lot worse, and that's that. Kevin's a lucky guy - married a hot young singer with a lot of money, charisma and marketing savvy. Every man in the world wants to nail her like Bob Villa, including Carson Kressler. He may be gay, but he ain't dumb.

Can you imagine being married to one of the top eligible people in the world - not just your high school, or hometown, but the entire bloody world?!? How could you not get a big ego from that? Imagine how many broads you could seduce!

But, advice from me to you, Kev-o. You'd better keep doing those sit-ups, bud. Because all you've got going for you is your abs and the ability to wear a wife-beater, Yankee hat askew and baggy jeans almost exactly like every kid who works at a Foot Locker. You start letting yourself go, and Brit will all over Ben Affleck like a bad habit.

Kevin Federline, thy name is Cris Judd. Consider yourself warned.

I will say this to all the men - the haters - who thought they'd be a better catch for Britney than Kevin Federline...

You're probably right. But wouldn't you all rather tag-and-release Jessica Simpson now instead?

- me

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