Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Day After Tomorrow - Reviewed by the Five Paragraph Bitter Film Critic

This movie is so bad, I don't think it needs five paragraphs to describe. But, you can't be the Five Paragraph Bitter Film Critic and not hit the number 5. It's like my trademark, man.

I could devote an entire book to the scientific problems with the movie, but that smacks of overkill, and would warrant more work than the screenwriters obviously put into it. Watching a tidal wave coming from the Atlantic, to the East, hit New York City from the Jersey City side (a.k.a. the West), combined with the killer L.A. tornados. One hit LAX from the south-going north along the 405, the other tornado hitting the Hollywood sign going east to west, then doubling back, and hitting the Columbia Records building south to north, and then the other tornados forming Mecha-Tornado and punking downtown LA from approximately northeast to southwest. As a former storm chaser throughout the Midwest (and, lately, 495 in Silver Spring on Friday night), tornados simply don't do that. Storms move in a cohesive direction - they can change course, but multiple tornados won't simply converge into one spot if spawned by the same storm.

Though watching the reporter get punked by the billboard travelling at 80 miles an hour was pretty cool.

One other thing - who the HELL walks from Philadelphia to New York City in Arctic-like conditions? Dennis Quaid, that's who. Man's been stuck on a bike, shrunk down to microscopic size, crash landed on an Enemy Mine, been attacked by a shark, dumped by Meg Ryan AND been stranded at the Alamo. Brother needs a new agent. At least he wasn't in "Davis Rules."

However awful the movie is, and I'm so completely pissed at myself for watching it on my landlord's HBO, I do appreciate that Dennis Quaid is still getting work. I'd have paid hard currency to watch the young Emmy Rossum continue to blossom into a nearly-perfect-looking woman. I just would have done it during "Phanton of the Opera."

--- 1 out of 7 Whammies, because some SFX were cool and Emmy Rossum is a total babe ---

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