Subject: Game Recap - 11-13-2004
with apologies to Jim Rome....
"Good afternoon, clones. Welcome to the Jungle. I am
the pimp in the box, Jim Rome. First off today, we
need to talk about the Debacle in Dundalk. I'm
talking, of course, about the Baltimore Sport and
Social Club. Extreme social football. Rhymes with
Orange versus...well, we don't know their name. They
had a name with a certain group of players. The
players they had this past week, well, that's not
their name. The Orange versus the Sandbaggers. The
Rhymers with the 'We Don't Know Each Others.'
First off - great job by the Oranges to actually get
more than three women to a game. About time that a
girl in an orange shirt could take a play off. I knew
they could do it. Of course, I thought that they were
going to have to hire hookers to do it. I thought
they'd resort to hiring common whores.
'Hi, are you a street walker?'
Yeah I am, baby
'What would you do for money?'
Anything for you, baby
'Great. Wear this shirt, and run a post pattern.'
But they had legitimate non-hookers show up.
Girls-next-door types. Great job, Orange.
And about the women who showed up. Christy - made a
great play. Refused to be touched with one hand and go
No phone calls on that statement, either, clones. I
don't want an email saying 'I get touched with one
hand and go down - sincerely, Monica Lewinski.' I
don't need another 'I don't need a one hand touch to
go down, I'll do it my own' signed 'Slutty Chick on
Now, for the Sandbaggers - nice job bringing in the
Philadelphia Eagles' scout team for beer league
football. You were as familiar with your
Baltimore-area teammates as Anna Nicole Smith is with
high school - you've heard about it, but you've never
been there before.
I'm not going to say those guys were ringers...but
those guys were ringers. Lords of the Ringers. Great
catch over the middle, Terrell Frodo. Way to intercept
the ball, Samwise Taylor.
Having said that, great game out of the Oranges. And I
do mean that sarcastically. What happened to this
team? Evan Kreitzer, the Franchise, gone. Too busy
selling cellular phones to drug dealers.
Franchise....right. He went over as well as a burger
joint in India. Ken...too busy playing sucker...I
mean, soccer. Great job, Ken - playing a game that
cows can theoretically play. They don't have hands,
you don't use hands. Perfect match.
The Attmans? Went off on a paper-product bender, no
doubt. And Bloomie? Where was Bloomie? Great job,
Bloomie - your friend Tully shows up, basically
tried to tackle every guy on the field, and you're not
there to get his back. Great job, Wingman of the Year.
I'm going into battle with you.
It also did not help the Oranges that their
quarterback picked the wrong day to become Chris
LaTestaverde. 3 picks on the day. First throw, run back
to the house, two to the same Samwise Taylor, the Lord
of the Ringers. Memo to LaTestaverde - where that guy
was, don't throw there. The first pick, you got baited
like you were on Bassmasters. Hook, line, and sinking
feeling in your stomach. Nice throw, LaTestaverde.
Lock-down cornerback Ray Bradley.....right. The only
thing he locked down was a 200 dollar dry-cleaning
bill with his swan dive into Lake Spontaneous, there.
Great job, Caveman. Lived up to his name. Looked like
Captain Caveman when he got up out of the biggest mud
puddle this side of Woodstock. Mud in the ears, nose,
belly button - excellent. What's up, Pig Pen?
Gotta say, though - he got jobbed on the sack that
wasn't. Homeboy's knees were down like a porn star,
the line judge says the QB is down, but the ref, 15
yards away with glasses on, says it's not a sack.
Great going, Magoo. Another fine mess.
That mud - that was the toughest opponent on the
field. Other than Ray looking like he spent a week at
a Phish concert, the mud also claimed the knee of
Lauren. That was serious. It's no Willis MaGahee or
Robert Edwards - kind of shredding, but she did get
smacked down like Nancy Kerrigan. Great job, Jeff Mud
Will say one thing incredible, though - that guy Dave
- what is he, like, 80? - making amazing catches all
over the field. He made catches that would have been
amazing for a man 1/17th his age. Amazing job, John
Glenn. Most men in his age group gripe about Knute
Rockne and main-line Cialis. Not Dave - he was intent
on becoming the beer league football version of Julio
War Propecia and tonic on the rocks. War Scott
Kreitzer not yelling at anybody. War Laura Luca,
YEAR END AWARDS -
(for those who attended most games)
Offensive MVP - Chris LaTestaverde (sorry, I love that
line). Last game notwithstanding, if he wasn't our QB,
we wouldn't have done nearly as well.
Defensive MVP - Ray Bra...no, there's no way. I'm not
that cocky. Or delusional. I'd go Sauce, though Bloom
would have been close, too.
Defensive MVP with Girl Bits - Lauren. Her routine
smackdowns of thrown footballs were highlight reel
(for those who attended a few games)
Offensive MVP - Ken. Kid's just got wheels.
Defensive MVP - Bloomie. No doubt. Dude was
Best Overall Player with Boy Bits - Sauce. Played well
both defensively, offensively and never complained.
Best Overall Player with Girl Bits - Tough call. All
the girls played very well this year, under some
insane situations, too. My gut tells me Shannon with
her touchdown catches and cool belly button ring and
dog take this award. Though a case could easily be
made for Christy, or Laura.
Best Hair Awards - Ray (boy bits), Lexi (girl bits).
(had to give us something, you know...)