Dear Baltimore Ravens:
I have witnessed the horror of the 2005 season with the same kind of morbid curiousity with which a bystander watches a trainwreck. I am glued to each week's games, and, even though they've been full of horror, I can not turn away.
Right when I thought the team hit rock bottom in allowing the lowly Detroit Lions win, with a near-record setting amount of penalties, the abyss only went deeper with a horrible loss to the even-lowlier Chicago Bears.
Then, the bottom REALLY dropped out in a 30-3 smackdown from the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Now, I could simply wring my hands, gnash my teeth, and swear I'll never go to another game. I'm not one of those fans, and we all know that such threats are made in the passion of the moment. They don't come from a logical part of the brain, but from the part that makes us overindulge in donuts or gambling, and promise we'll never do it again.
Until we see the Krispy Kreme Kasino or the Tom Horton's Room at the Bellagio.
This season has been an unmitigated disaster. Some players have scored more touchdowns than the entire Ravens team. The defense is looking older, slower, and definitely exhausted. The offensive line has more holes than a Tom Clancy plot.
So, I can merely make the following suggestions to make the season a little bit more fun.
1) Change the players' names and numbers to confuse the other team, and the play-by-play dudes. Let Matt Stover give up his wimpy kicker number 3 and give him a bonafide Ray Lewis 52. Make him feel like a real football player. Conversely, give Ray Lewis Kyle Boller's jersey. Maybe that way the defense can get an interception.
Plus, who wouldn't want to hear something like "Ogden's back to pass...say, when did he become white?"
2) Let Anthony Mason call the offensive plays. Apparently he's the only one who knows what a real offense is.
3) Bench Jamal Lewis. Let Chester Taylor and Musa Smith play. By the way...where in the hell has Chester Taylor been, anyway? He's actually pretty good, and received exactly ZERO carries on sunday. Good game plan, coaching staff.
4) Call Orlando Brown "Charlie." I'm sure that won't piss him off.
5) Bring in the only quarterback who's ever played well at the Ravens' football stadium. No, not Trent Dilfer.
Shane "Footsteps" Falco from The Replacements.
If that's not possible, can we at least call Kyle Boller "Footsteps?"
6) Buy a nice house in Reisterstown for Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart, whichever will be the first round draft pick. If it's Leinart, start prepping the cheerleaders now. Shorter skirts, more cleave, less morals.
7) Sign Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro. They're not doing anything else.
8) Is that fat kid from "Varsity Blues" still around? The Ravens could use the help on the O-line.
9) Call me crazy, but I'm thinking it's time to start the Brian St. Pierre era in Baltimore.
10) Some of those rioting French kids look like they have pretty good arms...
In any event, dear Ravens, it's not too late to salvage this season. If not for the playoffs, but for draft placement. We can get the number one pick...anyway we can throw the game against the equally-hapless Houston Texans?
PS - I'm never going to another Ravens' game ever if Kyle isn't nicknamed Footsteps.