Monday, June 18, 2007

What if Somebody Else Wrote About Dave?

This posting is the result of a night of much drink and revelry on Friday. My exercise is to write the lede of Dave Connolly's lambasting in the WaPo's Weekend section. So, we threw around a couple of ideas, figuring that if the Post is one of the few "standard-carrier" papers around, and this article flat-out sucks, how hard could it be if other papers took a crack at it?

And, as I do voices for fun and profit, surely I could write voices, if such a thing were possible. Right?

Here, again, is the real lede:

Dave Connolly needed friends.

Which is a tricky predicament. Tricky and kind of banal. And -- let's be honest -- a little sad.

By the time you're out there in the world, haven't there been enough opportunities -- in the sandbox and eighth-grade math class and the varsity tennis team and between dorm rooms and cubicle clusters -- to pick up a few good friends?


Unless, you know, there weren't. Or there were. There were all those opportunities, and buddies were met and made and then, somehow, lost. Binding ties came unbound.

Maybe there was a marriage. A baby. A transfer, a taxing project, an illness, a changing lifestyle, diverging hobbies, a new neighborhood, a gradual maturing, a big dramatic fight over a guy you were both interested in. Maybe your new medical sales job has you sleeping in Reston and creeping along Interstate 66, shaking hands with lots of doctors and nurses and not really getting to know anyone.

Maybe you're Dave Connolly, 29, athletic and outgoing and fun and successful, and everything was great and your social calendar was booming until one day it just wasn't.

Banal. A little sad. And common enough for this town to support a whole host of organizations designed to help people reach out and meet someone. Probably lots of someones. Probably in similar predicaments.

Number 1, The Washington Times.

David Connolly, Democrat, has no friends.

He is typical of the young, unwashed liberals that flock to DC every year. Some of these man-children are naive enough to think that working for some non-profit organization has merit. That they can change the world.

Others come here because they want to attend one of the area's renowed liberal universities, like Georgetown or American or Catholic.

And still others, like Connolly, come here because they figured out a way to make money from their liberal viewpoints. Connolly, 29, is an environmental consultant who makes sure that the neighborhoods around Andrews Air Force Base in suburban Maryland don't suffer from such minor nuicances like noise, light and fuel runoff.

But Prince George's County, home to Andrews, is full of liberal Democrats and they demand such Welfare.


Baltimore Sun
14 people were killed in various gun battles thoughout the city this weekend as drug violence once again reared its ugly head. The Orioles were swept at home by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Ravens' training camp starts in just a few weeks, and all we can gather is that Dave Connolly needed friends. Whether he made any new ones is debateable, but one thing is clear - this town makes THE BOMB crabcakes! Who needs friends when you can eat seafood on a sandwich, hon?

All Dave needs is some crabcakes, and to drink real beer. Like Natty Boh. Not that crappy Belgian crap, or those stupid microbrews. Once he learns to drop his expectations like the rest of us in Charm City, he'll be fine.


Dave Connolly has no friends. Then he made some. What did Paris Hilton do now?


The Onion

"Local Man Has No Friends"

Transplanted New Englander Dave Connolly stated today that he "has no friends other than empty beer bottles" and feels no compulsion to make any relationships that don't end in a drunken stupor.

"I love beer," exclaimed Connolly to nobody in particular on Friday night. "It makes me a jolly good fellow."

"Though," he admitted, "sometimes I cry and it makes me pee yellow."

Connolly moved to the DC area a few years ago to pursue a career in giving oral sex to lonely Capitol Hill staffers, but decided the pressure to be the male Jessica Cutler was just too much to bear.

"Frankly, I don't have the lips for it" Connolly mentioned. "My mom...very thin-lipped woman, and I favor her."

"Now my dad," said Connolly with pride, "that's a big-lipped SOB. He's the Angelina Jolie of all the guys at the docks back in Portsmouth, New Hampshire."

"And, semen tastes NOTHING like Leffe Blonde," one of Connolly's favorite brews.

When asked why he eschews dating for drinking, Dave explained it simply "Women suck. Beer doesn't."

But how does that preclude you from having friendships with men, Dave?

"Easy," offered Connolly. "Dude's try to drink me beers. Fuck that."


Local tree-hugger has no friends, less dating options. Good abs, though (OBPOPCULTREF)


NY Post




Dave Shaves Slaves to Fave Paves Maves, Flaves



So what if Dave got disrespected in the Post? We got 150 new members! Yay! See you at an event! You wanna host or should I?


1 comment:

Jan Louis said...

LMAO! Especially the Bal'mer Sun!!

Nice Job!