Monday, August 21, 2006

Snakes on a Plane - Reviewed by the Five Paragraph Bitter Film Critic

After a year of hype and the kind of internet buzz only nude photos of Anna Kournikova in 1999 could produce, Snakes on a Plane finally came out. The Five Paragraph Bitter Film critic was there, and, this film has made the Five Paragraph Bitter Film Critic wonder where his priorities really lie.

Why? Because I knew, going into it, that this movie would suck. The plot is thinner than Nicole Ritchie, has more holes than the US border with Mexico and makes as much sense as change from a penny. The cast, though, does as much as can be done with such a plot. I mean, when the plot is the title of the film, what can you expect?

To add insult to intellectual injury, I am seeing this movie before seeing such well-made and well-regarded films like The Illusionist, Little Miss Sunshine or Scoop. Or, for that matter, even My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

The cast, outside of Samuel L. Jackson, is made up of That Actors. Like Julianna Margulies, you know, That Actor who played Nurse Carol Hathaway on "E.R." back in the Clooney days. And Rachel Blanchard, That Actor who played Cher on the TV version of "Clueless." There's Todd Louiso, That Actor from "High Fidelity." Can't forget Lin Shaye, That Actor who played Magda in "There's Something About Mary." Of course, the movie also features the ultimate comedic force, That Actor who played Champ Kind, inventor of the Whammy!, David Koechner. For the record, there's more B's in that cast list than my high school report card.

Still, the movie is just silly fun. It's not to be taken seriously, and its implausibility makes it that much more fun. Most of the snakes are simply CGI, and not nearly as scary as the real hissing cobra Indiana Jones faced in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Some of the special effects are a little suspect, but, when Samuel L. drops the already-famous line about wanting these motha-f*ckin' snakes off this motha-f*ckin' plane, it's all somehow worth it, and makes those lil' art-house dramas look like the pretentious pieces of snake crap they really are.

9 out of 16 Whammies! Why 9? Why 16? Well, I figure that I saw some pretty hot actresses, and a set of real breasts exposed in this movie, so that's good. And Sam Jackson's a hoot. And it's got Champ Kind. And it's fun. So, by the power vested by me using the New Math, that's worth 9 Whammies! It's also got the worst dialogue I've heard in a film, and considering I've seen Robot Jox, that's got to be worth 7 Non-Whammies!

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