Stacker - Reviewed By The Five Paragraph Bitter Game Critic

What started off as an innocent 5PBFC review of Cici's Pizza in Falls Church became a struggle between man and machine. Namely, yours truly versus the Stacker machine. For those of you who have never seen the device, then you need to head to your local amusement park or family entertainment center, like a batting cage, mini-golf or Chuck-E-Cheese. The concept is simple enough - a row of three lights go back in forth in a row, like K.I.T.T.'s red lights on Knight Rider, and when you hit a button, the lights stop moving in that row. Then, three lights in the row above that starts going back and forth in the same manner, but a little faster. You have to stop the lights when they're directly over the ones below it. That continues for a couple more rows, until it goes to two lights, and then ultimately, one light. By that point, the light is moving a lot faster, and trying to make a stack of lights with one block is harder than it looks.

Unless you're me. Now, since I was a youngin', I've been preternaturally good at video games. I don't need cheat codes, have wicked good hand/eye coordination, and can lock-in like a highly-trained athlete. I tried this machine yesterday in Cici's small game room. Why would a grown adult attempt to win at such an easy game? Easy - the prizes rock! These aren't fake Lance Armstrong cause bracelets or ten-month old chewing gum, but real prizes, like iPod Nanos and Sony PSPs! Hells yeah I'm gonna play!

I put in two dollars worth of tokens for two attempts to win. My second dollar got me to the final row, and I *just* missed winning a major prize. I figured that a couple of more dollars would easily get me one of these major prizes. I fished through my wallet, found a twenty, and figured I'd win an iPod for everybody in the joint.

Twenty dollars later, and I didn't win shit. I got to the final line 7 times, and on 4 of those attempts, I *KNOW* I timed it perfectly. 1 time I admit that I botched it, and the other 2 were darned close. But 4 of those, and DEFINITELY 3 of them, I got it right. What I noticed was that the top row would often skip the winning column, sort of skipping over it by not blinking. This thing was rigged like a carny game! I left Cici's a little broke and a lot bitter.

So, today I decided to Google the Stacker game. I found this great entry on Wikipedia: "On the last few levels the system appears to "cheat" by not stopping the moving block when the player pushes the button. This is to maintain the odds the operator specified and to ensure the operator maximum profits." That's exactly what I saw, as it sucked down 20 bucks quicker than a slot machine in Vegas. I then checked out the website of the manufacturer of Stacker, LAI Games. They include a handy comic strip about the Stacker, basically pointing out to would-be buyers that they can rig it however they want. The best thing about the comic strip? The dumbasses used "loose" instead of "lose." You may have my twenty bucks, LAI Games, but I know basic English, you speds.

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5 Whammies! out of 10. Cici's Pizza is actually pretty good, considering it's all-you-can-eat for five bucks. Mac & Cheese, Ham, Sausage, Apple Pie pizzas - they have some good stuff and CHEAP! Still, I can't believe I lost a Jackson on a rigged game. I pray LAI Games burns like a painful case of anal warts, and I own the last tube of Preperation H in the country.
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