Thursday, May 04, 2006

tomorrow's news today!

In response to an article found here:

Washington, May 3 - Congressman Ric Keller spoke on the floor of the House of Representatives today condemning Mexican President Vincente Fox for legalizing drugs.

"Mr. Speaker, Vicente Fox, the President of Mexico, is at it again," Keller stated. "Yesterday, he said that he would sign an irresponsible law legalizing the possession of drugs."

"How much is OK?" Keller continued. "Two ecstasy pills, four joints, four lines of cocaine, and twenty-five milligrams of heroin are now all allowed, according to Vicente Fox."

To follow in the footsteps of such great psychics as Jeanne Dixon, Carnac, Dionne Warwick and Phil Mickelson (he predicted the preseason Super Bowl wins of the Baltimore Ravens and New England Patriots at 99-to-1 odds and 125-to-1 odds), I present to you a new feature here at Obpopcultref:

Tomorrow's news, TODAY!!

In a stunning turn of events, Mexican activists are calling on the government headed by Vincente Fox to close its borders with the United States to stem the flow of illegal immigrants into Mexico.

"Build a wall, string some barbed wire, do something" exclaimed Miguel Valentino, a shopkeeper in Juarez, Mexico, just across the Rio Grande from El Paso, Texas. "Sure, they come into my store, but they just stare at my stuffed lizards and bottles of Patron. They never buy nothing!"

In the month since Mexico relaxed laws detailing the amounts drugs that can be possessed and used within the country, Americans looking for a quick high are heading south of the border in droves.

In the Baja California city of La Paz, the streets are teeming with all sorts of Americans, from Midwestern college kids to inner city gang members to senior citizens looking for a quick treatment for their glaucoma. If the street signs weren't written in Spanish, La Paz could be mistaken for any U.S. city.

Any U.S. city with mariajuana growing in people's lawns and heroin flowing through the sewers, that is.

"All these damned American stoners come down here, they take our drugs from hard-working Mexican people" explained Pablo Argilagos, a gas station attendant in La Paz.

The sudden boom in "opportunistic narcotic tourism" has been a boon to most of the Mexican border cities, as groups of Americans cross the border for a quick fix, and then go back to their homes in the States.

"My taverna has never been busier!" enthused Maria DeSantos, owner of El Perro Americano El Dormir Cafe Y Aljamiento. "I just wish Senor Fox had legalized the drugs earlier!"

Mexico's shocking revision of draconian drug laws has also stopped the flow of illegal immigration to America from such countries as Honduras and El Salvador.

"Why should I go to America now?" asked Monte' Elvista of El Mozote in El Salvador, through a translator. "There are tons of jobs in Mexico now. I just started working at a hash bar in Cabo San Lucas, I get paid well, and I get to take home leftovers."

"The only problem are the damned American college kids," continued Elvista. "Them and their damned Dave Matthews Band music. I don't even speak English and even I know fish isn't spelled p-h-i-s-h. On my dead mamma's soul, songs aren't supposed to last twenty minutes."

In a related story, President George W. Bush and former President Bill Clinton have formed a blue-ribbon bi-partisan investigative panel consisting of themselves to investigate the Mexican drug situation.

"We'll look under every rock with these tiny little mirrors and we'll bring plenty of rolled-up dollar bills to reach into tiny cracks, and we'll sniff those drugs out," said Bush in a hastily-called press conference on the runway in front of Air Force One. "Former President Clinton and I have a duty to protect American citizens from Mexico's actions. It's what we need to do, and we're gonna do what needs to be done, even if we're not sure how much we gotta do now. We know we gotta do it, and it's gotta get done, though."

"Like the song on my iPod says, we're gonna party like it's 1999 or the summer of `69, or it's the dawn of the age of Aquarius, or whatever," said President Bush. "I just hope I remember how to deal with the shakes. Shakes are bad. Nobody wins when you shake. Unless you;re shaking hands with somebody. Then they think you're friendly."

Former President Clinton was unavailable for comment, but was seen wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, tanning lotion, and screaming "I'm gonna find the Weapons of Grass Destruction, Dubya!" as he boarded Air Force One.

Mexican President Vincente Fox said he would be happy to have the two American dignitaries in his Mexico City palace as long as they "don't harsh my mellow."

No comments: